Bibb bans large-truck parking in neighborhoods, exempts Bubba's cars on blocks

One neighborhood's complaint led the Bibb County Commission to propose banning large trucks and RVs from residential streets. The King's Park Neighborhood Association, located off Masseyville Boulevard in east Macon, asked the commission to do something about tractor trailers parked on streets and yards in the area.

At Tuesday's Bibb County Public Works Committee meeting, the commissioners decided to draw up an ordinance prohibiting vehicles that weigh more than 10,000 pounds from parking on residential streets for more than one hour. "They're hard to get around, and they're unsightly," Commissioner Bert Bivins said.

"Speaking of unsightly, I really hate all those cars on blocks in Bubba Benton's front yard," said a spokesman for the KPNA. Bivins said that Benton's cars on blocks would have to be grandfathered under the proposed ordinance since they clearly had been there at least twenty years. Archeologists have unearthed several BeeGees 8-track tapes and other relics from the 1970s under Bubba's cars. "Archeologists can dig all they want," said Bivins, "But they better not park any large trucks near the dig site."

Customers have 11 days to choose a new natural gas provider, or one will be selected for them. As the deregulation of natural gas in Georgia takes effect, many customers are realizing the savings just aren't there.

Bubba "Lauren" McDonald, a commissioner with the Georgia Public Service Commission, spoke to about 30 area residents Monday afternoon at a seminar intended to help them understand the deregulation process and to help them choose wisely when switching to a new gas marketer. McDonald said that those in larger cities closer to the source will realize savings while those in rural areas or who use smaller amounts will probably see higher costs.

Ben Riptoff, a consumer advocate from Deep Step, Georgia, said that deregulation was part of a vast conspiracy to shift the costs of gas distribution to the people who actually cost more to service. "It ain't fair. Them city-slickers in the Dis-service Commission sat around their high-rises and figured out how to stick it to the country folk," Riptoff said. "The other thing they did was employ a bunch of tele-marketers to hassle and confuse folks. The best thing we can do to really chap the city-slickers is tell these marketers to stick their gas where the sun don't shine. Go out and chop down some trees, install a wood burning stove or fireplace. That'll get those tree-hugging conspirators to sit up and take notice----especially if you go and chop down a tree in their yard."

Lawyers familiar with the issues said that it's apparent Stout referenced some out of date legal books to determine that the coroner had the authority to arrest a sheriff and various judges. "That's not to mention the technicality that there should be a trial before sentencing in a capital case," the lawyers said.

Sources close to Stout said that Stout may be lenient with the accused and allow them serve time in the Pyramid Prison or perhaps working to clean up sewerage problems in the compound. "But there will be no mercy for the officials in the zoning and permits office. They’re guilty of genocide and paper-pushing on a galactic scale. They will suffer extensively before they are shipped away on the mother ship," the source said.

By Al Terego

Parody writer Steve Scroggins expressed frustration with Macon and Bibb officials this Monday. For an amazing period of 48 hours, they refrained from idiotic behavior and made no ridiculous public remarks. "That's an unbelievable record. I've seen holiday cease-fires before, but this is an unprecedented event for a non-holiday weekend. It's difficult to write parodies when they don't do silly things or act like buffoons. Maybe they're enjoying their 'honeymoon' with Jack Ellis now to be followed by some serious newlywed spats soon," Scroggins said. "I have complete confidence that I won't lack for material very long. This heat wave will pass and the clowns will emerge. And if they’re not local, we can depend on the Atlanta people, too. In fact, people keep telling me that these parodies are redundant----the facts alone are funny enough."

Several prominent Macon citizens are preparing to make a bid for mayor of Macon by pursuing write-in votes in November. "I don't begrudge Jack (Ellis) his moment in the spotlight," said AM940 radio host Kenny Burgamy. "But it's a little premature for a coronation. The stealth factor is on my side. Since most voters in Macon will consider this race done, they won't bother to vote for mayor in November. That opens the door for me since all I have to do is get several of my friends and family to write-in my name. The he-with-the-most-votes rule still applies in November," Burgamy said.

The potential for a stealth victory was not lost on other ambitious Macon citizens. Alfred E. Newman, a prominent magazine magnate, announced that he plans to mount a write-in campaign of his own. "What me worry," Newman said. "I probably have more friends than Burgamy. My family may not vote for me, but I'm not worried. If both my friends vote for me, that could put me over the top."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins